4 Things That Matter Most When Disputes Require Conflict Resolution

Harvard Law School’s Negotiation Program has some famous stories. I was surprised to come across their research into several business conflicts between the three surviving children of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

In his most famous line from his most famous speech, Dr. King dreamed of a world where his children would be judged by the content of their character, instead of the color of their skin. I say “Amen” to that. But reading this story would make you raise an eyebrow at the content of his children’s character.

According to this article, more than 50 years after Dr. King laid out his dream, his children got busy taking each other to court over some of his most valuable possessions. His two sons, Dexter and Martin Luther King III, wanted to sell his annotated Bible and Nobel Peace Prize medal. King’s daughter, Bernice, opposed the idea. It ended up in court.

The disagreement was so sharp, the two brothers sued their sister to dispute ownership. But this wasn’t the first time it had happened, either. Earlier, in 2013, the brothers sued their sister over business decisions she made about the Martin Luther King Center for Nonviolent Social Change that the family operates in Atlanta.

Personally, I’d never thought of Dr. King’s life and work as a business, did you? We weren’t raised to think of it that way. But things that achieve that kind of cultural influence have a way of “turning into businesses,” even if they aren’t really for-profit enterprises.

You might be in a similar situation. Maybe your family business is a successful non-profit, or “change agent” social movement. It doesn’t matter; they all run off of the same dollar bills collected by for-profit companies.

If money is involved, human beings are involved. And if human beings are involved – especially members of the same family – you need tools for conflict resolution in the workplace.

Your tool kit for running any kind of family enterprise isn’t complete without considering The Family Business Mastermind. To see if it’s right for you, click to schedule a 15-minute interview.

Why Family Has to Come First

There are plenty of people in business who say, “Family comes first,” and don’t mean it. But it’s not just from spending too much time at the office and missing little Billy’s baseball games.

We can easily forget, in the course of running a business, that before you could tie your shoes, there was your mama, helping you put them on. There was your daddy, pushing you on the swing.

In the same way, when you exit this life, your business won’t attend your funeral. 

But your family will be there! You have to ask yourself how would you like to hear them speak of you once you are gone.

Now I understand, most of that rides on how you treat the people you live with. But when the people you live with are also the people you work with, it raises the bar even higher. You now have to think about how you will handle situations that you would handle differently if you weren’t related to the people involved. You should know – the more you leave undefined, unwritten or unaddressed, the worse it tends to get.

Setting out methods, procedures and space to handle conflict in your family business are paramount. How much more evidence do we need? Working together escalates the degree of “intimacy” in any relationship.

We’re not talking about “romantic intimacy” here, obviously! We’re talking about familiarity. You can’t help but build strong bonds with people you see every day for hours on end. But when conflict sets in, if you aren’t prepared, results can be terrible.

You should consider building some bonds of your own among a group of authentic, caring and unbiased advisors like the Family Business Mastermind. Click here to schedule a 15-minute interview to see if it’s right for you.

The 4 Things That Matter Most in Conflict Resolution

1. Safe Places

Just like the Family Business Mastermind, your business needs a place where members can openly discuss grievances and frustrations. Family councils, boards and forums are the most common ways to do this.

We’re aware that this is “easier said than done.” But with practice, it gets easier to do. One benefit of belonging to a mastermind is an environment of transparency, authenticity and vulnerability. You’ll have times where you have to “face the music” and accept responsibility for your failures and actions. If you can learn to do it in a room full of caring advisors…it’ll help you exercise the muscle of removing your “business owner hat” and listening to someone else’s point of view.

2. Safe People

You might be a “Type A” personality like me. On first blush, I don’t like to hear people complain or object. I’d rather they simply “understood” what I want from them, and then go do it.

The problem is how personalities collide. Some people I’ve worked with “understand” very well, and they’re no trouble to work with. But others seem to speak a different kind of English, as though it was a foreign language.

To be “safe people” in your family business is even more challenging. Let’s say you’re trying to resolve a difference with your own children. They’ve grown up being disciplined and corrected by you for decades. There will be certain areas where they’ve seen and heard your responses so many times, they’ll feel that it isn’t worth it to tell you what’s on their mind.

You have to learn how to “hold space” for their problems, and keep yourself from getting defensive, or explaining things like a parent to a child. It calls for the skill set of a TV interviewer. Conflict resolution is about learning to speak with your ears, instead of your mouth.

3. Learn to Turn It Off

Family business is difficult to separate from “family time.” But if you can begin by leading yourself to “turn off the spigot” after quitting time, your family members will often calibrate themselves to your decision.

One way to do this in the early stages is to “ask permission” to address things your family members bring up, outside working hours. Let’s say your daughter does the bookkeeping and wants to ask you about some monthly expense charges. You could say something like, “Would it be okay if we set aside 15 minutes tomorrow to cover that?” As long as you follow through by making an official calendar appointment, it’s not a dodge.

4. Get It Out of Your System

Dan Cockerell, former vice president of Disney’s Magic Kingdom, developed a great way to get team members to speak up if something didn’t sit well. You can use this with your family business too.

Let’s say you present an idea, and they seem to “smile and nod,” instead of asking questions or disagreeing. You can tell their hearts aren’t in it, and you don’t want to proceed. So you say, “I appreciate you making me feel good about myself, but please tell me why you think my idea is wrong.”

In conflict situations, this is very effective with family members who tend to “hold it in,” afraid of rocking the boat. We do this in the Family Business Mastermind as well. You get different personalities, and not all of them are outspoken about things that bother them.

If you or someone you love is having difficulty separating business and family time and business conflict is creeping into your relationship with parents and siblings, your family and your business may be at risk. To talk to a family business consultant or family counselor schedule a call TODAY. To find out if you’re a good candidate for the Family Business Mastermind, click here to schedule a 15-minute interview.

AUTHOR

Greg Lewis

Co-Founder/CEO

Tennessee Center for Family Business

615-513-9028

glewis@tncfb.com