For those of you who know me and have heard my story, you know that I worked with my Dad in our family business for over 17 years before leaving the family business. The last 5 years of our working together were the most tumultuous as I had finally come to realize that Dad’s idea of someday this business will all be yours was like Prince Charles being the heir to the throne of England. He knew and I knew that Queen Elizabeth and my Dad was never going to give up the throne.
Like most families working together in a business, we celebrated every holiday including Christmas together, e.g. spouses, children and grandchildren. There was lots of food, plenty of laughter and conversation. Regrettably Dad was unable to go an entire meal without bringing up conversation about the business.
After leaving the family business, I started my own company. We still got together for all the holidays, birthdays, graduations and other special occasions. Dad could not stop bringing up the subject at the dinner table. Greg, he said, “how is business?” I didn’t want to talk business. I suppose I was still angry that I had to leave the family business to lead a business. My answer was simply “ Business is just fine.” Others at the dinner table couldn’t help but overhear the conversation and fill the chill from our conversation.
Years later, Dad told me in tears that he “never started the business to tear his family apart”, but this is exactly what happened.
This is a prime example of someone who has totally broken the Christmas dinner rule.
How would you deal with conflict?
Having worked with many family businesses, I’ve seen first-hand how families in business deal with conflict…
…some families do it well – but for others it’s a disaster.
Christmas is for families…
For most families, Christmas holds the promise of a wonderful time spent with loved ones. A time to relax and enjoy the close family relationships. A time to celebrate.
But Christmas can also bring out the worst in us and can cause stress and familial conflict. And when you throw in the added pressures of running a business with the people you’re sitting around the dinner table with, it can be extremely challenging.
It’s not easy … or stress free
Running a business with family members isn’t easy. You can be a spouse, a daughter, a son, a director and/or a shareholder. And in this mix you’re also responsible for employees, managing risk, promoting the brand, not to mention investing and growing family money.
This is no small level of responsibility.
And of course, you have to work professionally with your siblings, parents and other relatives – putting aside all those irritating habits that family members have.
Are we asking the impossible? No, but it has its challenges.
And that’s why the Christmas Dinner Rule is so important.
Christmas can bring out the best … and worst in us
It’s no secret that the holiday season can place greater stress and tension on already strained family and business relationships. In fact, in my years as a trusted adviser to many family businesses, I’ve seen how volatile families can become at a time when they should be joyous.
Tension between business priorities and family relationships can lead to conflict over these holiday periods … and can cause irreparable damage.
A potent brew…
The chance to work with family members who we trust with our lives can be extraordinarily rewarding. Family are usually the only ones who will go that extra mile (or three) for us and for the business … persevering when others would have given up.
But the combination of love and money is a potent brew.
We often hurt the ones we love most
We often say things to family members that we would never ever say to anyone else. We are often tougher on family members than we are on others and of course family members can aggravate us in ways that no non-family member can.
You may be saying, I know – I just need to speak to my daughter (who works with me) with a certain tone of voice or look at her with a certain angle of eyebrow for her to go off…
So, what is the Christmas Dinner Rule?
…And why is it so important to stick to?
The Christmas Dinner Rule is the key rule for any families who work together in business, or on the farm. Working in any family business (a family business has two or more family members working as well as being owned by the family) has its challenges – and its rewards.
And with Christmas approaching fast, there are a few things we need to do as a family, to ensure we don’t break the rule.
The Christmas Dinner Rule is simple. Yes, you can have your fights and your arguments … your disagreements and explosions. But… (and it’s a big but…)
You need to remember, this is family. All arguments and fights need to be kept at a level where, aided perhaps by a few drinks, you can all sit around the Christmas dinner table and genuinely enjoy each other’s company.
Otherwise, it turns into holiday hell.
Five rules for Families at Christmas
Talk about family and what’s going on with them—what the kids are up to, who’s studying what, who got what marks at school, what’s the next adventure, celebrate the year, the wins, the achievements, the near misses. Forget the business—keep business conversations and family conversations separate.
Forget the arguments and disagreements you’ve had over the year. Yes, they might be important, but this is Christmas dinner and right now, that is far more important.
Remember, while some members of your family may irritate the heck out of you … you probably do the same to them. This is family … you know each other better than anyone else, so be patient, be forgiving and be kind. Be aware and pay attention to emotions. Don’t say or do things that can’t be undone.
Forgive. Ok so your sister’s husband put gasoline in the diesel tank … again… forgive and forget … it’s just not that important!
Remember what the real priority is – your family. Every family says they’ll never let the business get in the way of the family. However, this can and does happen if you’re not careful, and it is a total and unmitigated disaster when it does … I know – I’ve seen it too many times. And Christmas becomes lonely and quiet.
…And sometimes, leaving issues at the front door of the family home is a great way to put a separation between family and business. Be transparent about these intentions and decide to pick any issues back up in a constructive way in the New Year.
If you follow these tips, when Christmas Day comes along, you should all be willing to sit down at the table and have a happy, wonderful, loving Christmas dinner filled with laughter.
What happens if you don’t get it right?
There are few certainties in life, but here is one. Long buried conflict and resentments will be ripped open on Christmas Day faster than your child can open their Christmas gifts.
The only things you want to swallow at Christmas time are turkey, wine and Christmas cookies; not anger. Not ever anger.
If conflicts aren’t addressed, managed and resolved, your family business can be compromised, damaged and quite possibly destroyed.
Because conflict means a lack of communication, which leads to lack of productivity. Goals aren’t met, KPI’s aren’t reached, your business or farm can’t grow and prosper.
We’ve seen it many, many times before. Over the years we’ve watched families experience resentment issues, jealousy issues, boundary violations and more, on a much deeper, much more personal level than a non-family business.
So back to Christmas Day. Besides not enjoying a special day with loved ones, the long-term implications are serious.
And on Christmas Day…
It’s about now you need to recognize just how lucky you are to have your amazing family around you.
Lean in and feel how much love there is around the table and how important you are to everyone…
… despite your son insisting that you follow the silly OSHA rules…
… or your Mother insisting that you do the paperwork the right way,
… or your sister shooting down your latest investment idea that you knew was going to make a large amount of money!
…or the knock ‘em down, drag ‘em out screaming match you had with your brother, cause again, he’d screwed up the billing system that you had so painstakingly organized
… you actually love each other.
You’re family.
And there is nothing quite as important as family.
We run a business or a farm to make money and provide a living for ourselves, our kids and our grandkids. Family comes first – the business can never be allowed to get in the way of family relationships – this is what the Christmas Dinner Rule is all about.
So how do you keep Christmas focused on family, not on business, when the two are so entwined? Before it starts, everyone agrees on some rules. That doesn’t mean mean-spirited strictness, no. It should be more like guidelines around what can (and can’t) be talked about and a general agreement to put issues aside if they do accidentally arise (especially after peanut butter pie (my favorite!) and few quiet drinks after dinner).
When rules have been agreed, it’s easier to put aside anything that arises – especially if you’ve also prearranged another time and place for ‘all things business’ to be discussed, listened to and opinions shared. Oftentimes the older generations have important stories to share (that come bubbling out at such times) which are not only great learning experiences, but they also help to build a stronger family culture within the business.
This Christmas be thankful you have family that likes to get together. And spend your time wisely.
From our family to yours…..
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!
Tennessee Center for Family Business
Jennifer and Greg Lewis